Life's Metamorphoses

Posted by Joshua at 8:47 am

I’m just an egg in this crazy cycle called life. Not even a larva and still far from being a pupa. I’m about to turn 32 already but who says that I’m already a grown-up? Immaturity is a different thing. I maybe child-like at times but childish am not. Wisdom is everything. I still have a lot to learn, though, sometimes I think I’ve already gone through a lot. I can’t say that I’ve been a thoroughly happy child when I was growing up. I’m the only girl in a brood of six. I don’t have any girl playmates so most of the time I play on my own. Sometimes when I get so tired playing with my imaginary girl friends, I would play with my brothers and their chums but I always ended up getting hurt. I did not blame them, boys will be boys and they like to play it rough. That’s the reason that I was quite boyish and would always hang out with my guy friends. I was never lady like. I hate wearing dresses and doing girly stuff. I would rather be the thug or the hero in our childhood game of cops and robbers than pretend to be a princess living in a beautiful palace in a land far, far away waiting to be rescued by her prince. My father was very strict. He used iron hands in disciplining us. With every mistake that we commit, no matter how little, there was a corresponding punishment. In a child’s mind, I didn’t know if it was supposed to be that way but what choice did I have? He’s the father and I was just a little innocent child. It was hard for me to commit errors as I was growing up. They say that you learn from your mistakes but I on the other hand was too scared to make one, for I know that there would be spanking or slapping if I do. I became a perfectionist. I get so worked up over petty things that have gone wrong. I would not sleep thinking of ways to make it right. And if I can’t, I would always justify why it’s right for it to be wrong. I thought that should always be the case but life taught me otherwise. I’ve learned that sometimes you can never make wrong things right. That sometimes you just have to let it be. That not every problem presented to you by life has a solution. Sometimes you just have to accept it as it is and not try to change its course that you need to be strong to face it and not try to find ways on how to evade it. I’ve made a whole lot of off beam decisions in my life. Decisions that shattered and split me into a thousand shards but luckily I’m still always able to pick myself up and start anew.

I’m also just an infant in this “foolish” thing called marriage. I’ve just tied the knot two years ago to a wonderful man named Ryan. He made all things beautiful for me, though, ever since I’ve never really looked at marriage in rose-rimmed glasses. I’ve always been realistic. And I know that it can’t be bed of roses through and through, because we need to get pricked by its thorns too in order to learn. We get pierced every now and then but we still always manage not to get punctured too deep. But I still can’t impart any sagacious advices about marriage; I’m still on my baby steps. I fall most of the times but I still try to get up and walk again.

And now, I’m still just a zygote in this “madness” called motherhood. While my daughter is rapidly growing up into a toddler, I on the other hand am still just on the preliminary stage in this arena. I lost our first baby to miscarriage. And this is our second shot at being parents. I’ve never really experienced motherhood during the first time because he was gone even before I had the chance to. My child is now turning to be a very bright kid. And little milestones and achievements coming from her can already bring so much joy into my life, our lives. I may be still just learning the ropes in becoming a mom but I’m willing to experience and feel every inch and every bit of it.

I know that with this sickness that I have right now, I will go through a lot of changes and transformations in my lifetime. But I hope that no matter what phase I’m in, you’d be willing to join me in my journey of discovering, learning, living and loving life’s beautiful metamorphoses.

One Response to “Life's Metamorphoses”

oliver says:

October 15, 2009 at 3:59 pm

“I became a perfectionist. I get so worked up over petty things that have gone wrong.”

oh, so that’s where the tweet “I’m so unproductive today, and it’s not even my fault” thing.

perfectionism is a double edge sword, refines your execution when going well, but upsets your expectations when don’t go your way.

so you ought to accept humanity, quite perfect of imperfections. but that is what i think, i don’t know any better.